Monday, September 03, 2007


The Important Matter of Jack the Convict

NOTE: Before reading this story, click play on the audio clip below.

A long time ago, I would populate my little bullshit fish tank with aggressive fish, such as cichlids, oscars, convicts, or any fish that was demented.

So, after stuffing my 10 gallon tank with as many fish possible, one little fucker made his mark. He made his "mark" by biting off the heads of the other fish, much to my wife's dismay.

However, for me, this shit was funny. I had "Jaws" in a fish tank, on a war path, eating everything in sight. I named him "Jack," after "Jack the Ripper."

Within a few months, Jack was the only fish left in my tank. I kid you not, that little devil ate about 15 fish total, mainly for the hell of it.

Shortly thereafter, "The Fly" made some serious coin in the market and was moving out of the basement apartment he had been subjected to. The only problem: My wife hated Jack so much, she wouldn't let me take him with us. So, sadly, but not really giving a fuck, I left the fish tank, with Jack as its only occupant, in my rented backyard.

Two weeks later, I returned to my old basement, in order to tie up some loose ends. Upon leaving, two little Italian girl's (they would always come over to my house and play with my son), ages 9 and 4, ran over and said they had my fish. They said: "We thought you forgot him; so we put him in our tank. Come see."


So, I went to their house. Their Mother, who had a heavy Italian accent, said she put my fish in her tank, "but look what happened."

Apparently, Jack was the only fucker left in her tank too. He fucking decapitated all of her shitty goldfish, much to her dismay. She told my wife "I had those fish for 5 years."

My wife glared at me, as if I was Jack-- eating other inferior fish.

To make a long story short, I brought Jack to my new house, and put him in my new and improved fish tank. But, nothing changed. Jack would just hide in some shrub, waiting for some stupid fish to swim by, then crunch. Off with its head.

It was amazing.

However, my wife was not amused. She demanded I flush Jack down the toilet, so that she could buy "normal fish." I said "no way, Jack is a survivor." I followed up: "The only way Jack is going out is by the jaws of another fish."

Big mistake.

She went to the fish store and bought the biggest fucking cichlid I had ever seen. This fucker was picking up rocks, and moving them, with his mouth. Unfortunately, sadly, Jack had met his match.

After killing Jack, my wife returned her "hit man" to the fish store, and proceeded to buy bullshit "chick fish."

In total, Jack had murdered about 70 fish, of all variety. I remember counting them. Even when the "hit man" was ripping him to shreds, Jack fought back.

Jack is truly an inspirational figure. His "story" should be told to children, across the Nation. Which entails, killing weaker fish, by surprise if needed, in order to take control of the steady flow of fish flakes that drop into the fish tank.

RIP Jack.

I just pured a little of my 40 on the ground for Jack. One for my homie.
It doesn't get much better than that. Truly transcendent, fucker.

I know the weekends are for time off and sleep (for most people), but it seems like the only one worth blogging on the weekends is The Fly.

That was incredible, I love the sound effects. Great post!
u r a talented writer/story teller ... thanks for wasting your time on us internuts
that was fucking great ... I sent that out to everyone I know
That's one bad ass fish. If you had a video of that little fucker that would be cool.
You truely have a way with words.
Thanks man.
Why have you been jacking around with that Gay Bull-- when you had Jack all along. I say post that Music and the legend of Jack when appropriately needed.

Danny, I see a video about Jack in the future. Actually I'm dreaming it.
Fly, I used to keep cichlids. I have one fish that got huge, and would change colors, to camoflauge, and then jump out and tear another fish up.

Then I went to salt water. Thousands of dollars later, I'm back to cichlids.

Long live Jack!
That is actually the theme song for The Gator Nation. Go Gators!!!
I hate goldfish.

Go Jack Go.
Similar to Pontius--no doubt you remember but new pet. I mentioned I caught the spider, then tried unsuccessfully to kill it for three days. After becoming enamored with the spider's bravado and ass kicking, I feed it all sorts of bugs and it kills them all.
Posts like these necessitate a "Broker A in 2008" presidential ticket. He would be like a presidential Dr. Claw (minus the foiled plans).

On second thought, scratch that-- a “Broker A for Supreme Despot of The United States” ticket makes more sense.

My room group inherited a fish tank bar in our social dorm (like an eight man apartment unit with eight tiny bedrooms and two bathrooms and two social areas) one year, so we decided to raise oscars out of a pirahna-esque curiosity.

We started off with three but one died right off. The other two grew to mammoth proportions on a steady diet of hapless goldfish, zebras and whatever other little crappy fish were on sale at the Petmart that particular evening. In time we threw a couple of tiger fish because it was rumored they could put up a good fight. They only added a nice gloss to our oscars' increasingly girthsome hides. And these fuckers were getting big. They bumped into each other in this fifty gallon tank quite a bit towards the end. Never had a problem with each other, for some reason.

By the middle of the Fall semester, these grinning bastids were huge, and on their way to becoming campus celebrities. These things, and their "bring a fish to get eaten" act were even increasing our party female participation ratios to heretofore unseen levels. We were scheming about an admission charge with "comps" and everything...

But it all came to a mordant end, however. I told you these guys were housed in a "bar-tank," right? That means it was right in the middle of the bar, sitting between the places we'd sling our kegs before tapping them -- like a flat screen teevee with only one boring fish channel until feeding time. Then it became "Shark Week."

Well, one Saturday evening, we had an especially out of control party-- we were celebrating the second weekend after Equinox or something. We decided we'd feed the now piglet sized oscars for the crowd at the beginning. We did, to much applause. But my already drunk roommate forgot to put the tank lid back on the tank before he started doling out beers from the top of the bar.

Beer from the tap runoffs dripped into the tank all night long.

I like to think that at least they died happy. They were still grinning when we found them bobbing on the surface the next morning.
Target gears up for new iPod launches

An internal note distributed to employees of the large retailer's electronics department is advising them to be ready for an unknown, but very significant, product announcement on Wednesday for which Target will be one of the first resellers.

Citing documents obtained by a company partnered with Apple, the Washington Post's Sam Diaz claimed in a weekend article that at least two frequently rumored devices were planned for the "coming months."

One of these would be a touchscreen iPod with Wi-Fi, Diaz said. But the Cupertino, Calif.-based company was also planning an "iPhone nano," which would drop prices below the $500 mark of the current iPhone.

BRCM,TGT,& MRVL on any dips tomorrow.
That is hilarious...

Nice post Fly.

And, by extension, great story Mr. Gint.

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