Monday, May 14, 2007
OUTRAGE!
Weekend Blogger Admits Stuffing Ballot Box, Resigns
Fly on WallStreet Contributor Faces Public Disgrace
Washington Post Staff Writers
Monday, May 14, 2007
Weekend Blogger "Jeremy" resigned from Fly on WallStreet this morning after confessing to an affair with over twenty of the blog's female employees and having devised an Internet laser beam to stuff the ballot box while he was sleeping.
The decorated Minnesota Twins all-star, 21, entered his guilty plea at a federal courthouse in Manhattan and then choked up as he proclaimed: "In my life, I have known great joy and great sorrow. And now I know great shame."
This crime marks his seventh felony conviction.The plea agreement demands that he must forfeit his 2000-acre "Boesky-esque" estate in Rancho Sante Fe, Calif.; $3.8 billion in cash; and a long list of prized race horses, vintage baseball cards, and extremely rare automobiles. The agreement also stated that he will cooperate "in the investigation and prosecution of Broker A."
At a news conference after his conviction, a visibly shaken Jeremy could barely read from his prepared statement as he admitted: "I disgraced my high office. I know that I will forfeit my freedom, my reputation, my worldly possessions-- I apologize for nothing, and I will do it again."
In more important fucking news, WHAT THE FUCK IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN TO THE MARKET!!!
I "feel" like shit is about to fucking come unhinged, maybe because I am very long here but something is worrying me.
Good times ahead, eh Richard?
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